ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
