I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
