Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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