Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
