hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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