wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
