It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
