I can't watch pbs sober anymore
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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