yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
