explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
