you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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