proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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