The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
