The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
