I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Randomize
