im six kinds of drunk right now
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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