the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
