I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
COCAINE IS GR8
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
