I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
