im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
