Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
