Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
