If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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