I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
