so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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