No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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