dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
