just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
