he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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