I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
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Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
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How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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