Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
