Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
