I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
