Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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