oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You pole danced in your parka.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
