im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
