Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
