I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
