I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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