just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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