The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
