when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Never joke about your clitoris.
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