last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
