I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
