youre lurking in front of me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
