I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
