I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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