Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
