In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
