absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Randomize
