rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize