Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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