After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
