I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
