a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
