Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
