Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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