I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
