You just made me feel so damn special
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
